trauma will bruise these pages
forever
the ink of discontent
will never run out
and I think about
today
how I woke up with anxiety
how I took a shower
and my shoulder hurts
and my ribs won’t stop rearranging themselves
and the pain is always better
but it never goes away forever
so yes
I am preoccupied with yesterday
simply because
the healing is never complete
and I don’t ever know
when the devil will come back to feast
on the frayed rope
holding my heart in one piece
and how can you heal
ever
when the struggle is never
complete
when I still see those glowing eyes
watching my every move
from a closet that never stays closed
I can’t let my guard down
ever
I can’t move on
because it never stops
following me
like a shadow
I cannot sever
from my ankles
so it drags behind me
everywhere I go.


–His malignant motivation mistaked my shudders as permission

Saudade

green grass
blue sky
first kiss
one of many to be shared
laying down, you fell asleep
I listened to your breathing
watched you sink into the earth, listened to your heart beating
we were perfect
not knowing what it was, but soon discovered it to be love
now I’m falling apart
we are soul mates, but as best friends
brown grass
grey sky
last kiss
we tried.

but if this is our novel then flip to the middle. where you find me in night time car rides, where i let my eyes follow the streetlights, skip from one lamp to the next, but we drive too quickly for my eyes to ever land. so i settle on the gaps between them, the snippets of sky contained by streetlight divisions and telephone poles. i find you in the spaces between blurred lines. where i form you from pitch black. trace you from constellations until i remember what you look like. my eyes blur, so i close them on the way home.

sonder

i have read thousands of stories under the night sky, only the moon and the stars lighting up the words passing through my mind, i imagined every single way a person could fall in love but the words like fireworks and soulmates don’t really mean anything when you’ve never felt any of those and you can be there and know and see all that is possible in this world but if you don’t feel it in your own heart you’ll never completely understand, and i’ll forever be grateful for the voice in my head that never stopped telling me to hope and dream and believe because if i did i’d be gone. now with only words and letters swirling around making up my life, but i didn’t, i didn’t, i listened and listened and believed and now i’m here with all that i’ve got and what i’ve got is enough, it’s real, it’s real and right here and when i read about fireworks and soulmates i don’t have to imagine anymore because i’ve felt, i’ve lived, and i’m still feeling and living and i stop doing that sometimes but it’s okay now, it’s okay, those words aren’t only words now and all the other words i’ve read under the moonlight? i am going to make those real one day, too.